Tuesday, October 5, 2010

You Said They Didn't Happen, But They Totally Did: Goat Towns, Flying Lunchboxes and more

One of the things I, and those in my age cohort are most fond of, is reminiscing about crap that was on TV from our childhoods. In fact, I feel like according to most things I have read, it's the only discernable thing mentioned about our entire generation. I mean, sure- we all remember that type Jessie Spano took some NoDoz and freaked out, when DJ Tanner didn't eat for half the day and then fell off a treadmill, and that weird point in Family Matters where Laura started dating Stephan and we all stopped caring. But some of my best personal memories of shows are the ones that for some reason, no one else remembers.

Once upon a time, I saw an episode of Reading Rainbow in which Levar Burton went to a Goat Town where everyone was a talking goat- but like, a human/goat because they were basically just people dressed up in goat costumes- and he went to a goat bar where they served cans. Not cans with beer in them, just cans. Because they were goats, and that is what goats eat. That and the granola looking type stuff you get at the petting zoo from the thing that looks like a gumball machine.

I've had weird dreams about this Goat Town ever since. Unfortunately, whenever I tell people about the time Levar Burton went to the Goat Town full of strange human-goat hybrids, they tell me that this is a thing that I made up in my head. They say "There is no way, Robyn, that there was a terrifying episode of Reading Rainbow in which Levar Burton was magically transported to a town full of talking goats." And for those people, I have this to say:

From TV.com, bitches:

Reading Rainbow: Gregory the Terrible Eater

Goats are the topic of the day, as LeVar visits a children's petting zoo with goats to introduce Gregory, the Terrible Eater. Marilyn Michaels reads the story of a little goat who starts out as a picky eater but then overeats when his parents try to get him to eat new foods. Then, as LeVar goes to lunch, he finds himself in a strange diner occupied by goats and serving unusual dishes. Finally, a professional chef teaches a group of kid chefs to cook paella together.

Oh snap. See? I would never lie to you about Reading Rainbow. They say it was a diner, but it was totally a bar with a goat bartender in an old timey bartender get-up. You know, like with suspenders and arm garters and such.

Another thing I have often found myself defending the existence of is the anti-drug episode of Jem and The Holograms. No, really, I say- one of the girls in the Starlight Mansion takes a bizarre unnamed hallucinogenic pill that she got from some dude at the playground, and then her lunchbox turns into a bird and she tries to jump out the window. Isn't that what you do when you're on drugs? It's at least what Helen Hunt did that one time. In fact, when I bring this up in conversation, people generally say "No, Robyn, you're thinking of that time when Helen Hunt took PCP and jumped out of the window!" But I'm not. It happened, and YouTube can prove it:

I have no idea what the anti-drug stuff is like now- but I'm curious. Do very special episodes even exist these days? I don't know. I mostly watch shows about murder. They don't have a lot of PSA's inbetween those shows. If they did, it would probably be awkward. Also- what's up with Helen Hunt? Where's she been these days? Why didn't she ever do a wink wink nudge nudge cameo on Sex and The City given that she and SJP totally played BFF's in one of the most important films of our time, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?" Accordng to Wikipedia, her next film is called "Soul Surfer" in which I have decided that she plays a 1980's style surfer chick who dies and becomes a succubus.

Our next thing of importance is not so much a TV show, as the puberty movie we watched in 5th grade when the boys went out to go play baseball. Apparently, my school in Mass was pretty much the only one to ever show this one, because no one else I've ever run into has seen it. Ok, so basically the premise is that the chicks who played the orphans in the Broadway production of Annie reunite to come together and tell you about how they're totally menstruating now and what that's all about. Naturally, this led to my friend Angela and I making up a song that went something like:

"Your period will come tomorrow, when you're wearing white shorts and it's gym daaaaaay! You'll get cramps!"

You know, because we were totally mature like that. I mean, it wasn't like we hadn't read "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret" yet or anything, so this was all old news. Anyway, it does in fact exist and was called "Growing up on Broadway" and there is an IMDB profile for it and everything, so there. The other movie they showed us, which I have yet to be able to prove the existence of, involved an especially artistic mom making ovary shaped pancakes. Which was nothing if not impressive. Less impressive was the older sister who said cramps and PMS were a figments of the imagination. Bitch.

Now, this last thing- I've always known for a fact that it existed because I saw the commercial 80,000 times when I was a kid and one of my best friends and I were very fond of singing the jingle all the time. But still, I've had many deniers. For you deniers, I present: A PSA for cheese. Sung by a man possibly made of cheese, dressed as a cowboy: